I need to apologize to you. I need to apologize to myself. I’ve let you down. I’ve let myself down. I launched this blog over six months ago promising to leave everything on the table. No more half-assing my way through life. Whatever it takes, I wouldn’t allow the self-doubt, naysayers or terrorizing fear of failure to get in my way. None of that happened. And I certainly haven’t delivered like I promised.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching about why I continue down this road of self-destruction. Honestly, I’m scared shitless. Scared of letting go of the person I am to become the person I want to be. Scared I’ll fail. Scared I’ll let you down. All these fears are what pushed me to start this blog in the first place. I wanted an atmosphere that encouraged growth and created new opportunities. No-holds-barred. Real. Harsh. Honest.
Moving forward this blog will always be about you. But today’s post is for me. See you on the flipside.
This past year was the hardest of my life. It left scars that will take years to heal. And its important I share it with you because its shaping the direction of this blog and my life moving forward.
There was a stretch of time last January where the company I had spent 18 months building self-imploded. I cost the friends and family that had invested tens of thousands of dollars, and to top it off I had an epic falling out with my best friend. I got tossed under the bus while being eaten alive. I never knew how little people could think of me. Close, important people. It left me broken.
I spent most of February and March in bed. My business partners dropped everything on me and walked away. In truth, I was a major reason the company failed but no way was I solely responsible. I tried to salvage the company but it never had a chance. I was a dead broke, unemployed failure. My mom had to take money out of her savings to pay my rent and bills over the next few months. Not what you’re aiming for at 26.
I spent April, May and June looking for a job. The friends and family I had let down in January were all encouraging me to find a job w/ a major corporation. They told me it was the “safe” thing to do. That having a steady paycheck would make me feel “normal” again. I told them I’d only accept a position in social media and refused to settle.
The overwhelming lack of confidence only fueled my persistence on finding a job I was passionate about. Something worth getting out of bed for in the morning.
In June I started working with SoMeGo as the Director of Social Media. Since it was a start-up money was tight and my salary proved that. My decision to opt for the riskier, less-incentivized path continued to cause problems. They think I’m crazy. That I don’t know what I’m doing. That passing on “normal” was foolish of me.
Fuck “normal.” I want life-changing. I want to be inspired. And I want my work to reflect those values.
I used to think being fearless meant running into a burning building. But being fearless is so much more than that. It’s unapologetically standing for something. It’s holding yourself accountable. It’s getting out of bed in the morning when hiding at home would be so much easier. And sometimes its simply hitting the publish button on a blog post.